|Posted on October 7, 2014 at 7:40 PM|
Remaining in a state of awareness, mindful of the sound of the crickets and the bubbling of the turtle tank outside my window, I settle into a place of uncomfortable presence. The awareness of my own presence and the options that are before me - to do - always to do are uncomfortable, almost unbearable. Things that need to be done - optional things.
Sometimes I sit still and wonder why I'm here. I used to think this all the time, when my schedule would get overloaded and there simply wasn't enough hours in the day to do all the things I felt "had" to get done - not optional things. Now when I have time, I nervously shift in my seat. My stomach tightens. I finish the chocolate chip cookie I mindlessly picked out of the plastic storage container on the counter because it was there looking lovely and delicious. I love the taste of a cookie - eating it was optional - or was it?
When I find myself with time, even if it's just a half an hour, I immediately want to fill it with an activity. Because there is always something that needs to get done, a bill that is overdue, a thank you card to be addressed, a button to be sewed, a newsletter to write, I get anxious if even a minute goes by that I could be doing something "productive." But why? Why this need, this overwhelming desire to keep active? Is it because someday I may be unable to do, to act? I hate the feeling of procrastination. If there is a God and He has a divine plan for me, does it include these times when the minutes tick by and the "things to be done" wait patiently stacked in front of me? What does God want me to do with this alloted time I am present here, now, in this time and space? There are too many options. I want someone to tell me what to do.
I could choose an option at this moment to get up, grab my car keys and start driving West, just West, until I have to pull over for gas or to answer one of my body's calls for food or sleep or to go to the bathroom. Sometimes I think that being a human being has no more meaning or reason than being a fish or a turtle or an oak tree. We're just here, being what we are, taking care of the mundane things that make living possible.
A breeze pushes past the curtains and the bamboo wind chime clunks hollow outside the window. It says, "just enjoy, Little One! Enjoy the feeling of being here. Enjoy breathing. Enjoy sound and movement. Let us hold you for a little while and calm you. Let us show you that you are so very loved and valued that even if you did nothing today but sleep all day you would still be loved and valued and cherished!" I remember! I remember the temporary nature of my physical existence. I contemplate my bronze Ganesh statue lounging on my desk and Lakshmi's penetrating stare. I remember the Tiger who's mere image inspires a deep love for all things wild and fiercely independent and I marvel at my friend's painting of St. Germain, so delicate and beautiful what her mind and her hand created for me.
I remember who I am. Timeless. Infinite options and possibilities available in each moment. Relax into the experience of being a human and let it ride. Let the feeling of doing and being coexist within this moment and just relax. Pick up a bill. Go to the on line banking page and make a few clicks with the mouse. It's all a game anyway, so just relax and enjoy the thrill of it all. Cookies are optional...